You're The One That I Love
by Her Name Is Erika
Summary: …and I'm saying goodbye. / Or, Thelma & Louise's car finally going over the cliff. BillyVictoria.


**You're The One That I Love  
****Show:** Young and the Restless  
**Central characters:** Billy Abbott, Victoria Newman  
**Summary:** …and I'm saying goodbye. / Or, Thelma & Louise's car finally going over the cliff. BillyVictoria.  
**Notes:** I haven't been inspired by writing Billy and Victoria in a while, but for the first time in a while, I am. Beyond inspired. David and Amelia's performances on Friday's show (Monday's US show) were everything that embodied this pairing.  
**Disclaimer:** Nope. Nothing belongs to me & I promise you. I'm not reaching for any kind of profits.  
**Musical Inspiration: **"Say Something" – A Great, Big World (Pentatonix Cover); "The Scientist" – Coldplay; "You Lost Me" – Christina Aguilera

::

_Say something… I'm giving up on you.  
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. _

::

Clarity, in hindsight, is a gift.

It's a gift that Victoria accepts finally because there is no other alternative.

The tequila burns upon its descent and yes, she is drunk in that moment but it is the only course of action so with shaking hands, she scrawls her signature on the dotted line. Victoria will have Avery file the papers and that will be the end of that.

She would chuckle but Victoria just wants to toss back these shots and erase everything.

There is no such thing, though, and that makes her angry because Victoria cannot take it anymore. She cannot take Billy holding her heart and breaking it at the same time. She cannot take Billy being the one to hold her to together, and rip her apart all at once.

Here is the thing: if given a choice, Victoria would choose being angry and drunk rather than being sad and sober. Sobriety heightens all of her emotions, and this tequila makes her not feel a damn thing. Sobriety makes her feel sadness, pain, and makes her hyper-aware to the love she still has for Billy, despite it all. So, Victoria makes a choice to numb everything with tequila shots – especially the love part. She doesn't want to love Billy. At least, not tonight. Sometimes, in her darkest thoughts, she doesn't want to love Billy Abbott at all.

::

She's half-lying when she's says she's going to the park to walk and clear her head. Her thoughts are piled-on cobwebs, and her heart is trying to scream louder than her logic. Victoria is going to the park to talk to Katherine if she is being honest. Victoria misses her godmother and could use her wisdom right about now. Victoria misses Katherine's presence which is an entity of its own. She would give anything to hear that laugh full of life, and that sage, gravelly voice. Then, wrapped up in her memories of Katherine and the battle between her head and her heart, reality slaps Victoria in the face. It slaps her in the face, causing a familiar stinging feeling and Victoria can feel her heart ache all over again. The bile slowly creeps up her throat. Kelly makes her sick and it is probably a good thing there is distance, because Victoria may hit her again and not be responsible for her actions.

There they are. Billy and Kelly. Kelly and Billy. It's a familiar picture and Victoria should be used to seeing it by now. There they are in this park. She's upset for the 2436th time and Billy is ever oh so willing to help just as much because nobody else in the world knows grief, loss or pain. It's just another lie. It's just another promise that lies broken at her feet because god forbid, Billy just keep walking. Victoria grips the strap of her purse so tightly she feels the tips of her nails, pressing into her palm.

Victoria turns and walks away, and when she is far enough she expects to break down and cry. She has before, and will probably do so again but there is a strange sense of calm that washes over her. It is like breaking through the surface of a body of water and sucking in precious air into those lungs after being in marital stasis for so long. It is like finally, _finally_ being able to breathe. The battle between her head and her heart stops and it is as if Victoria feels settled. There is no indecisiveness, no questions, no doubts and no hope. She finally realizes it: _Victoria is done_.

She comes to Chancellor Park to talk to Katherine about her marriage, about Billy, and about what comes next. Victoria thinks that may have happened, as weird as that sounds.

Victoria imagines Katherine holding her hands in her own – rings, long bright nails and all. Victoria imagines Katherine looking her dead in the eyes and telling her that while she loves Billy, and never will stop – because the story they share will never really be over – Victoria must reach for a semblance of sanity, and some self-respect could do some good on healing a broken heart.

Taking a deep breath, Victoria makes a decision and she is the calmest and clearest in months.

"Thank you, Katherine," she whispers, as her eyes mist over with tears. "Thank you."

Victoria is suddenly very aware of the separation agreement in her purse and knows what she must do, but first, she must get that stupid Kelly and Billy mental picture out her head, by any means necessary.

She is desperate, a little angry regardless of the calm, and apologizes to Katherine for she is about to do.

::

Victoria is drunk, and yes, she is angry and sad. The last place Victoria wants to have sex is in the back of her car but Ben is surprisingly gentle because he understands what it is like for a marriage to die. She is not sorry. She doesn't feel like this is a mistake, and Victoria doesn't feel any regret or shame because Ben is a good guy. He gets it.

It is not about Billy, but more about her. It is about sleeping with Ben so she can feel good, and making him feel good in return because they're both two sad people. And besides, they're friends.

So, Victoria strokes Ben's face and smiles faintly. She is not sorry and she hopes he isn't either.

For a few minutes, while Victoria allows her body to be explored by a man that is not her husband, Billy's face is nowhere to be found in her thoughts. It's horrible to think, but it is the best few minutes of her night. She is high on pleasure and she selfishly, does not want to come down. But Victoria comes down eventually and gets re-acquainted with reality.

::

Victoria almost wants to laugh at Billy's indignant behaviour at the fact that she sleeps with Ben.

Yes, she sleeps with Ben. She admits it freely and honestly months early and with no town wide audience to completely mortify Billy and make him feel like a fool.

Here's to small silver linings. Or, something like that.

::

Kelly is not the problem, although Victoria hates her. She is not the problem and it's why she loves her mother for shedding light on what Victoria has trouble admitting. It's just easier to put the root of this to a living, breathing person. Her parents spend thirty years swinging like a pendulum – being together, being apart and being somewhere in-between. That is probably the fate Victoria has been dealt and maybe, yes, loving Billy Abbott is not just a feeling and it has turned into apart of who she is, inside and out. But love is not the issue. It is the fact that Victoria is exhausted and cannot look at Billy with bated breath, wondering how he will smash her still-healing heart and how creative he will get. Victoria realizes it's not healthy and is afraid that if she takes Billy back, she is afraid she will start to resent and hate him. The smallest part of her is already starting to and it is tiring, trying to push back this darkness and Billy-Abbott resentment building up on the edges of her heart.

Victoria can't bear to love Billy, but she cannot bear to hate him either. He is the father of her son, and for every dark moment, there are little slivers of light that break through.

"You don't know how badly I wanted to tear up those papers, ask you to come home and just try one more time," she admits, with tears in her eyes.

"Do it, Vickie. Please…" Billy begs. "Just do it…"

"If I knew that we wouldn't be here… If I knew there was something I can do, or something we could try so we weren't in this circle, I would. But we are," Victoria says, trying not to fall apart although she can already fell the very thin strings of her resolve about to snap. She sighs, trying to steady her voice, and she looks at Billy, his eyes full of sadness and regret. Her eyes are sad too, but angry and Victoria cannot help that. "I can't. I can't, Billy. I can't live my life on high alert because I don't trust you enough to believe you when you say you won't hurt me."

She expects Billy to contest or fight. But he is resigned.

"It's not fair for anyone at this point," she says, sniffling and whipping a tear away. Billy strokes her cheek, and every ounce of her body wants him to kiss her. She's tired. She is spent and doesn't know how deeper Victoria can reach down to muster up forgiveness. Victor teaches her that a Newman is tough – that they may bend but never break, but she must be a different breed because Victoria is barely keep it together. "I'm so tired. Billy, I have loved you. I had loved you the best I can. I will ask Avery to file the papers in the morning."

"I'm so sorry, Victoria."

Yes. Billy is always contrite. He's always sorry. Billy is so always so _damn_ sorry.

Victoria folds her arms around herself and is thankful for this bench. The bench is the reason she doesn't turn around and leave the park the way she came – by running, and running fast. So, she walks away from him and sits on it, her thoughts keeping her company.

::

"I don't blame you. If I were you, I'd leave me too," Billy opines, sitting on an adjacent bench. "I will regret my night with Kelly for the rest of my life," he turns to her, looking at her like she's a caged animal about to run away from him. He's cautious and feeling honest and Victoria believes him. In that moment, she believes him with everything inside her. Victoria trust him on that, at least. "It was just once, you know."

"I believe that. I believe you – that it was only once."

"But it's one regret too many. It's just one regret in a very long list of things you've had to forgive me for," Billy chuckles, but it's a sad one and their eyes meet. "Never thought it would happen to us, but the car finally went over the cliff – like Thelma & Louise."

Victoria feels the corner of her lips, pulling upwards. She understands and feels that familiar warmth in her heart – the one she gets when Billy says or does something in passing to make her smile. The car they swear will keeping driving hits finally the cliff, explodes. All that is left is an inferno and the carnage left behind.

::

While Billy is at group leaning on Kelly when she is right here, Victoria deals with her grief too. She deals with it by painting and indulging in art – her second passion, behind business. When work doesn't deal with the pain of never seeing or hearing Delia again, Victoria dives into paints, charcoal and empty canvasses. She uses the time Johnny naps to paint and sketch in the silence.

There is a charcoal sketch Victoria draws depicting Delia as the Wicked Witch of the West and capturing her joy that night. The house gets too quiet and when Victoria sees one of Delia's pink shoes by the door, she rips that charcoal sketch in eighths and sobs.

Victoria has another painting she does of Delia in her Christmas flower girl dress. She draws it twice. One for Chloe, and one for Billy. She paints one of Delia and her proud smile as she sits on the back of Pinkerton Pony. That one is for her – for her own peace of mind and so that Johnny doesn't forget his sister's face. They are in a storage locker across town, the key in the bottom compartment of her jewelry box.

When Billy goes by himself to group, Victoria drives around town until she gets to the cemetery.

She lays a single pink rose at Delia's grave and says, softly, "Hey, Dee Dee. It's Victoria. Rest, beautiful girl."

::

"I miss her," Victoria blurts out, like a shot in the dark while on this park bench. She goes back to the disbelief and devastation of that horrible night in October. "She wasn't my child, and some days – some days, I feel like I don't have the right to grieve and cry for her. I blame myself. I blame myself for the ice-cream," she is openly sobbing by now, six months of pent-up emotion, hitting her like a tidal wave. Warm, fresh tears slide on top of dried ones on Victoria's face. "If you hadn't stopped at that damn store for ice-cream –"

"Stop it. It wasn't your fault, Vickie. _I_ left Delia in the car. _I _gave Delia that dog when Chloe was against it. _I_ cheated on you and broke your heart again – all me," Billy refutes, strongly and his jaw locked so he doesn't cry tears of his own. He looks at her and then glances down in some shame on his own, twisting his silver wedding band around. "All you did was try to help. That's all you've ever tried to do – help me."

Victoria sniffles, wipes her tears away and pulls herself together. She has to go home to relieve Hannah, and frankly, she just wants this day to be over.

"I have to go," Victoria says, standing up. "Hannah's back at the house with Johnny. I'll call you."

She runs here and she can sure as hell run back. Running allows her to concentrate on her breathing. It forces her to hear nothing but her steady heartbeat and the rhythmic sound of her shoes pounding the pavement.

Just when Victoria turns around to walk away and go home, Billy's voice stops her.

He has to let her go. _Let me go_, _Billy_, Victoria pleads, _just let me go_.

"Victoria, wait!"

Victoria turns around, and is slightly annoyed. She sees Billy standing there, his hand outstretched towards her and this is cruel irony. He knows that, and she definitely knows that. It's not cold and snowing. Nobody is playing Auld Lang Syne, and making it rain confetti as a new year arrives. Nobody is drunk, but she knows. "What are you doing? Hannah has a paper to write. I have to go, Billy. Just let me go. We've said everything we've had to."

Billy steps towards her, his hand still extended towards her. "The first time you extended your hand to me, I was drunk and I took it. You tried to extend your hand to me again with my grief, and I rejected you. When I was hurt and disoriented from the crash, the only thing I wanted to do was get home to you and our son. I fell through our door and your arms were the first familiar thing I felt. I have no right to ask this of you considering the fact that it is shot to hell, but please…" Billy asks, softly. "Trust me long enough for me to drive you home."

She glances at his offered hand, and then looks into his eyes – the eyes of the man she loves and will have to let go because her heart is damaged and bruised and she is just…exhausted.

::

With tears in her blue eyes, Victoria accepts Billy's hand. Perhaps, she is twisted for enjoying the feel of Billy's hand against her own. She decides to trust him just a little longer and damage her heart a little more. Maybe she is a sadist like that, but the fingers interlock and despite everything, Victoria does not want to let go as they walk out of Chancellor Park hand in hand.

::

Billy Abbott is Victoria's most memorable, unforgettable hello and he will be her hardest goodbye.

::

_Fin_

* * *

**A/N: Feedback is my spinach. Please and thank you. **


End file.
